That Day When It Rained…

[Written: 25 May 2002, Picked from the diary entries: Excuse the lack of poetry skill exhibited, Part of the early stint at writing! ]

Suddenly the black nimbus showed its agony in a flash of lightning.
The day otherwise shunned by all,
The passionate wind now blew...

I knew what this meant, for she was with me
I reclined pensive, wondering if God was willing to satiate me.

A look into her perspicuous eyes told me
That heaven had descended.
The trees overjoyed shed flowers on the wet ground beneath.

A moment of pre-eminence,
But counted on fortuitous circumstances.
Respite had at last reached me for sometime now…
In the form of a Goddess who had exterminated all my sorrows.

Though Alas! Can I be sure it’s the end of my pathetic days?
As I have for long known God’s ruthless ways…

In spite of the beautiful affinity
Why exists such dubious extremity?

So near… yet so far,
We walked along…
On that rainy evening,
When the paramount sun had gone…

-Jesh 
25 May 2002 

The Splendid Creation

[Written: 1999-2000, Picked from the diary entries: The first poem penned by me on my pristine feeling of love. Excuse the lack of poetry skill exhibited! ]

Is she an angel or a princess?

Who pierced right through my senses!


I wish she were describable.

But frankly enough she is unexplainable!

Now, has the lord been partial?

While putting in her all the essentials.

That would ultimately crown her the undisputed princess.

It may be sooner or later, that men would start singing her praises!


Is she an angel or a princess?!

When her hair blew with the breeze,

It was like the parakeet that danced in ease.Brighter than anything her eyes shone.

Precisely, where had the paramount sun gone?

Pensive I have always been, pondering what made her so pre-eminent.

Perspiring I have always concluded, she is the most reactive element!

Oh! Is she an angel or a princess?

Who pierced right through my senses!




Her eyebrows like the majestic coastal trees,

More splendid than anything I had ever seen.

Though her semblance is extremely fascinating,

It’s the traditional looks that make her so ravishing.

Am I not lucky to be able to witness such an incredible scenario?!

That infatuated many and turned me into her Romeo!

Someday the Splendid creation will be mine…

And then I will have the crown and also the dime!!!

-Jesh

1999-2000

From the diary entries of 2006-07 - Failure, death and then life

[ Written : Sept 2006 & 2007 , From the diary entries ]

I have lived the lesser life to the extent that i need to figure out if I am visible to the cosmos. Having known but never realized... having seen but never comprehended... I  have but failed...


I failed...in pursuit of the divine I saw the hideous... I always assumed to be strong. Until I could see myself failing... Everything was too big...too frivolous... esoteric at some instant... I stood just as a loser would... they laughed at me... they said I had hardly seen anything... I stood there searching for the eyes that could succinctly express a word of empathy.


I could find none...

The world I walked was docile with congenial interests but was nevertheless ready to bring down an antithesis. They could overtly display their conceit but were cynical to others. But their frivolity somehow managed to make them obsequious... they all could follow the path of factitious expression..In fact only an inane motive brought them together.



But my failure lay not in my inability to understand but in having an obnoxious lack of confidence to counter that which I knew. I was fretful...often sulky… And never accountable... I thought time could help me build but their satire often limited time's influence. What had happened to my strength? I wondered.

               






                                 I had acquiesced...had submitted my self to a fervent desire... to be loved. Until I realized love was hard to find as a desire...but abundant if one could lent... And this I think is the right way out...!
It might not yet provide the acumen to overpower but at least it gives the confidence to move ahead...


I need to find myself...having lost in the pursuit....to define what divine now stood for....strength is now easy to find...For the Quest has begun... Time is racing away but at least it matters now to be not lost in time !

                                                                                                                             -2006

Life later transformed. I saw death… knew not what it meant… Then traversed…blindly… Didn’t know what lay ahead… didn’t know what lay beside… It was multifarious, the journey. The pursuit had turned ugly. There was no me… I had been completely lost… consumed by life… I saw that which one ought not, I did what one ought not.


But then could I be alone ... There was respite to come.
Yes I did love this journey... I did love this place... yes I did love this Life...

                                                                                         -2007                                                       
-Jesh
2006-07

From the diary entries of 2002 - Glimpse

[Written : 2002 , From the diary entries ]




Life I guess needs nothing more than an occasional glimpse of the person you love more than you love yourself.

Truly I had felt years having passed by before I could get that ultimate vision, for I had indeed gone through the penance for it. I know not what lies ahead. I don’t understand why and how; all I know is my devotion is true for the goddess who made my life worth living, of course not without tenebrous isolations.



I am alive.
Living with the power that each glimpse gave me. I believe two hearts that beat together are not severable…

Tagore once wrote, “When with night the child of want lies down, dirty and hungry, in his squalid home, and hears of prince and princess and fabled gold, his mind springs free from her bonds of poverty and misery, and walks in fresh beauty and glowing raiment, strong beyond all fear of hinderance, through the fairy realm where all is possible.’’

I live in such a world, transformed, as I move in spirit amid my songs, fearless, ever so feeling the presence of the goddess whom I love so much.

Because all I ever wanted is to discover the real meaning of life by looking into those eyes…
-Jesh
2002

From the diary entries of 2002 - The trivial Man

[Written: 2002, Picked from the diary entries ]


It seems if you have money, are prosperous, have good health, and all that which you most sought after, you shall be happy.
 
Should I then infer that the wise saint never knew happiness?! That Buddha was an imbecile to give up his kingdom because he could not stand an other's pain; that Gandhi was insane to have walked half naked just because more than half his country men were so poorly clad?
 
Greatness comes from within, just as happiness does. He who finds eternal happiness is great, for he is not stimulated by what the world so intensely is amused by.
 
We are so trivial that it doesn’t occur to us if helping an unfortunate one, really gives us happiness or if spending a saving for the delicacies and luxuries that the carnal mind so lusts for. We are stimulated by the stimulating, infatuated by the infatuating, and tempted by the tempting.
 
I shall with the greatest of gratitude thank God for the wisdom he gave me through my experiences; no, I am not complacent, I am no where near perfection, for I am only experimenting with truth. But I feel I have the ability to examine both sides of a coin with care, and hence regret the least. Should I by any reason be the most ridiculed, the poorest in terms of this worldly possession, I shall still find happiness and marvel at man who exchanges heaven for earth.
 
I despise the blessings of this world. It is all worthless, fleeting, illusory, and deceptive, like the mirage. To quote Anton Chekhov:
 
'You may be proud, wise, and fine, but death will wipe you off the face of the earth as though you were no more than mice burrowing under the floor, and your posterity, your history, your immortal geniuses will burn or freeze together with the earthly globe.
 
Man has lost reason and taken the wrong path. He has taken lies for truth, and hideousness for beauty. You would marvel if, owing to strange events of some sorts, frogs and lizards suddenly grew on apple and orange trees instead of fruit, or if roses began to smell like sweating horse.'

 
I hence don’t want to understand man...


-Jesh
2002

From the diary entries of 2003 - God and a Man's pain

[ Written 2003; From the diary entries ]

Man, so finite, so trivial, so inappreciable, yet so encompassing.

God, you are great. For you made man so finite, yet made him one that could think. You made him find eternal happiness in his greatest despair. You are great for you gave him pain. Pain, that feeling, that suffering which makes man rediscover himself, that which gets him to speak to his conscience.

I know that to you everything is but equal. I understand that to you the Universe should be governed in accordance to certain laws, designed by your all-powerful mind, and that man is nothing but one speck of that infinite creativity of yours. But I realize you love all that exists and hence you shall bring the best; too hard for a creature of finite intelligence to ever comprehend.

But I stay unanswered. The ever-increasing labefaction of life continues…

In spite of understanding the fleeting man, I am forced, compelled to return to poverty, poverty of the mind, ignorance of reality, to the daily chores of dissatisfaction, to the trivial thoughts of mankind, to the unfaithful relationships, to the entangled so-called commitments; save my understanding I beg.

Back to pain, how shall I ever thank you for my sufferings, for they have made me strong? I though live in this world, seeming so ordinary, never being understood, never being heard, but growing every step amid my experiments with truth…

-Jesh
2003

From the diary entries of 2003 – Love

[ Written 2003 - From the diary entries ]



Leo Tolstoy once wrote, “All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love.”

I shall with my most conscientious frame of mind agree to this statement. Love: the ever so pure, so infinite, so profound, so powerful and yet the most misinterpreted.

Today life is so labefactioned; every aspect of reality, of truth, is misinterpreted, often resulting in ignorance. Love is the essence of life.

Man is no more but a slave of his senses, his carnal desires, that to the ordinary, love is no more than a sex related emotion that satisfies every lust.

So strong is true love that it takes nothing more for man to give up his futile life and understand its true essence and thus make it sublime. To me, a person who can love another can face all odds, can live selfless, and can die for an other’s sake. Love encompasses every other human feeling hence.









When you can love a person, find all happiness within him, wish for every happiness of his/hers, you become selfless. It makes you then know the true essence of life and the loved ones therein. And that’s what it takes to love mankind on a universal scale. Love can help you forgive and forget: the two factors that are so essential in today’s world.

I have done just one good thing in my life, to have fallen in love, selflessly.

Love has taught me the way to happiness. I know I have been far from successful in getting back the love I seek but I have grown so strong I can live all my life without ever making her mine, never finding love even in her words; still my love shall never die.

As the hymn says:

Only he
Who is smitten with the arrows of love,
Knows its power.


Yes, I too wish for a life with her, dream about things which we could do together, for I too am human, but my wisdom gives me the courage to withstand any other circumstance otherwise. So powerful is love…

Hence I walk along, grown and strong, in spirit amid my songs, and believe me, I find her every step, every moment, walking beside me; what else could I ask for? Physical reality may expound otherwise, but then my heart beats hard, exclaiming that she is mine…

God! Thank you for getting me smitten with the arrows of love! Thank you for thy sublime wisdom.

-Jesh

2003