From the diary entries of 2006-07 - Failure, death and then life

[ Written : Sept 2006 & 2007 , From the diary entries ]

I have lived the lesser life to the extent that i need to figure out if I am visible to the cosmos. Having known but never realized... having seen but never comprehended... I  have but failed...


I failed...in pursuit of the divine I saw the hideous... I always assumed to be strong. Until I could see myself failing... Everything was too big...too frivolous... esoteric at some instant... I stood just as a loser would... they laughed at me... they said I had hardly seen anything... I stood there searching for the eyes that could succinctly express a word of empathy.


I could find none...

The world I walked was docile with congenial interests but was nevertheless ready to bring down an antithesis. They could overtly display their conceit but were cynical to others. But their frivolity somehow managed to make them obsequious... they all could follow the path of factitious expression..In fact only an inane motive brought them together.



But my failure lay not in my inability to understand but in having an obnoxious lack of confidence to counter that which I knew. I was fretful...often sulky… And never accountable... I thought time could help me build but their satire often limited time's influence. What had happened to my strength? I wondered.

               






                                 I had acquiesced...had submitted my self to a fervent desire... to be loved. Until I realized love was hard to find as a desire...but abundant if one could lent... And this I think is the right way out...!
It might not yet provide the acumen to overpower but at least it gives the confidence to move ahead...


I need to find myself...having lost in the pursuit....to define what divine now stood for....strength is now easy to find...For the Quest has begun... Time is racing away but at least it matters now to be not lost in time !

                                                                                                                             -2006

Life later transformed. I saw death… knew not what it meant… Then traversed…blindly… Didn’t know what lay ahead… didn’t know what lay beside… It was multifarious, the journey. The pursuit had turned ugly. There was no me… I had been completely lost… consumed by life… I saw that which one ought not, I did what one ought not.


But then could I be alone ... There was respite to come.
Yes I did love this journey... I did love this place... yes I did love this Life...

                                                                                         -2007                                                       
-Jesh
2006-07